The Babylon Bee Presents — A Dynamite Large Collection of Great Stuff From Them

Always poignant, biting, and hilarious…love these guys…

Entire Water Polo Team Drowns Kneeling For National Anthem
New Law Will Require Cops To Call LeBron For Permission Before Making An Arrest
Biden Wears Mask On Zoom Call In Case COVID Has Mutated Into A Computer Virus
‘We Must Stop Eating Beef To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Scientist Who Looks Suspiciously Like Chick-Fil-A Cow In A Lab Coat
Here Are 7 Shows That Got Better Ratings Than The Oscars
CDC Officials Recommend People Stop Giving Them Wedgies
Census Reveals A Concerning Amount Of Garys
CDC Now Recommends Wearing A Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside The Car
Yellowstone Says They May Soon Let Buffalo Stop Wearing Masks
Cuomo Regretting Killing All Those Elderly After Losing House Seat
Having Stolen Everything From Your Great-Grandchildren, Democrats Move On To Your Great-Great-Grandchildren
Israel Asks John Kerry To Remove Explosive Vest Before Entering Country
Local Family Buys Second Freezer To Hold All The Mushy Bananas They’re Saving For Banana Bread
A Handy Guide To Translating Your Wife’s Facial Expressions
Enjoy the brand-new commercial for G.I. Pat, the genderless action hero!
Dems: ‘If America Isn’t Racist, How Do You Explain These White Hoods We’re Wearing?’
‘Who Are You? Where Are My Pills?’ Says Biden In Dynamic Speech Echoing All Of America’s Concerns
For Health Of White Girl Community, Biden Bans Pumpkin Spice Frappuccinos
Johnson And Johnson Rolls Out New ‘No More Clots’ Vaccine
Washington Post Calls Biden A ‘Very Catholic President Who Worships Satan’
Hunter Biden Relieved After Learning His Dad Only Cracking Down On Menthol
Worship Leader Forced Into Retirement After Turning 30
WATCH: Woke Police Department Gets Defunded
12 Ways To Help Your Wife Around The House Without Putting In Too Much Effort
The Bee Explains: Common Racist Hand Signals
Elizabeth Warren Barred From Entering Country Thanks To Travel Ban On Indians
It’s Official: New White House Cat To Be Named ‘Chairman Meow’
‘I Have Changed My Mind And Do Not Want A Divorce From This Amazing Handsome Man,’ Says Glossy-Eyed Melinda Gates After Receiving Vaccine
Biden Relocates 20,000 National Guard Troops To Inner Cities To Snipe Menthol Cigarettes Out Of People’s Mouths
Jeopardy Bans All Contestants From Having Hands
Vaccinated Man Licks First Doorknob In Over A Year
Curb Accuses Woman Of Multiple Instances Of Vehicular Assault
Newly Elected Representative Pledges To Spend Every Minute Fighting To Get Reelected
Flintstones Vitamins Now Available With Puberty Blockers
MLB Umpire Ejects Catcher For Making Multiple Racist Gestures
Civil War Soldiers Glad They Didn’t Live Long Enough To Experience Horrors Of The January 6th Capitol Riot
Dems Committed To Utterly Destroying Black Man’s Optimism About Race Relations
Biden Admits His First 100 Days Were A Failure Since America Hasn’t Been Completely Destroyed Yet
Governor Whitmer Deploys Fleet Of Probe Droids To Catch People Violating Lockdown
White Liberals Watch In Amazement As Black Man Acquires ID
Internet Inventor Al Gore Bans Trump From Internet
Non-Menstruating Partner Wishes Menstruating Partner A Happy Birthing Person’s Day
To Make Game More Exciting, Baseball To Be Played On Ice With Sticks And A Puck Instead Of A Ball
Moved By 5-Minute PragerU Video, Man Accepts Ronald Reagan Into His Heart
WATCH: CIA Replaces Waterboarding With 12-Hour Lectures On Intersectional Feminism
Disney To Remove Problematic Kiss From Classic Movie, Snow White Will Now Remain Dead
Shocking Study Finds Paying People Not To Work Makes People Not Want To Work

8 Handy Bible Reading Tips
It’s not always easy to crack open the Word of God — you’ve got more important things to do, like browse TikTok. So, it’s important to have a plan of attack to make sure you read the Bible at least a little bit each day. Luckily for you, your friends at The Babylon Bee are way more spiritual than you are, and today we’ve got some 🔥 tips for reading your Bible.

Here they are:

  1. Consider getting a hip translation with cool words like “yeet” and “sheeesh.” — How can you experience the eternal Word of God if it’s not cool and hip?
  2. Get an audio Bible read by William Shatner. — In… the beginning… God… created… the heavens… and… the earth…
  3. Make sure to set aside at least seven seconds a day to read the Bible. — It’s important to dedicate a few short seconds to the Lord before you spend the rest of the day on social media.
  4. Spend most of your devotional time trying to get a good picture of your Bible next to a cup of coffee for your Insta. — Now that you’ve got a few seconds with the Lord, spend the entire time live-tweeting your devos and getting that perfect Instagram shot.
  5. Look for creative ways to rip verses out of context and make them all about you. — Get creative! Read a verse about ancient Israel or Jews in the first century and think, “How can I make this all about me?”
  6. When your kids try to interrupt you, shout “NOT TODAY, SATAN!” — Pair this maneuver with a cross formation using your fingers for maximum impact.
  7. Underline the entire book so no verses feel left out. — The more underlining, the more spiritual you are.
  8. Whenever you read a really convicting verse, make sure to apply it to everyone else instead of yourself. — This is an important one. If you read a verse that convicts you of sin in your life, just think how much Becky from Bible study needs to change her life instead of you. It’s better this way.
Dr. Jill Biden Wishes Every Latinx Citizen A Happy Cincway Du Marco
CIA Breaks Up ISIS Plot To Use Incorrect Pronouns
Chuck E. Cheese Oversight Board Decides To Continue To Ban Trump From The Ball Pit
Report: Melinda Gates Filed For Divorce After Discovering Windows 95 Launch Video
23% Of Galaxy Believes They Are More Unified Since Palpatine Became Emperor
Police Shootings Drop To Zero After Mass Hiring Of Stormtroopers
New Trump Social Media Platform To Include Verification Badges For People Who Aren’t Losers And Total Disasters
Biden: ‘With Enough Vaccinations, I’m Prepared To Authorize The Use Of Sparklers On The 4th Of July’
The Babylon Bee Fact-Checks 10 Controversial Statements From President Biden
Husband’s Binge Of ‘Executive Actions’ Leads To Shaky Poll Numbers After First 100 Days Of Marriage
Forget Yo Momma Jokes — Here Are 7 Hilarious Yo Birthing Person Jokes
Chinese Rocket Breaks Apart Revealing Inspirational Fortune Inside
Liberals Replace Offensive Term ‘Woman’ With ‘Child Factory Who Bleeds’
CNN Praises Biden For Efficiently Liberating Thousands From Wage Slavery In First 100 Days In Office

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