Guns are on their way out. And thank goodness! We can’t wait to return to the utopian paradise we lost when guns were invented by Bob Gun back in 1804.
Still, once in a great while, you might need to defend yourself against a ne’er-do-well. When those ruffians come kicking your door down, you need to be ready. Here are seven great ways to defend your home against an armed burglar when your guns have all been confiscated:
1. Call your local social worker – Get on the phone and call up a state therapist to help you two work out your differences. They’ll be there in 30 minutes or less!
2. Have your kids leave all their LEGOs out – A surefire defense strategy, though sometimes it backfires and you accidentally step on them yourself and PICK UP YOUR GOSH DARN TOYS, CALVIN!
3. Make sure to hang a gun-free zone sign in your window – It’s a little-known fact that burglars must stop and not shoot you if you inform them your home is a gun-free zone.
4. Turn the thermostat up to 80 so it will be uncomfortably hot for burglars – After a few hours looting your stuff they will need to take a break and go outside to cool down and you can lock them out.
5. Bust out the Nerf guns – One of those crazy cool ones with the drum magazines your rich friends had growing up will surely intimidate the intruder.
6. Rig up a complex Rube Goldberg booby trap that incapacitates the criminals in hilarious ways – Hear us out on this one: they step on a panel that activates a wire that pulls down a bucket of water that goes down a funnel and pushes a bowling ball which swings down and hits them on the head causing permanent brain damage. Funny AND effective!
7. Ask them to hug it out – When all else fails just be the bigger man and ask the criminal to hug it out with you. Bring it in, man.